Let's see...
We took music on an Ipod to play and 2 CD's. Well they gave us a CD player only and for 13.5 hours we listened to exactly 2 CD's non-stop. Fleet Foxes by Fleet Foxes and Transfiguration of Vincent by M. Ward. We need the music to add some distraction. The cold silence only added to the misery. We probably heard each album 10 times. As we were leaving I looked up on the shelf and there were 15 gentle music CD's.
Michelle had nothing left to give at 1AM but still managed to go another 7.5 hours. I loved Michelle more than anything before Tuesday night. I now stand in awe of her.
It's shocking women don't die giving birth on a regular basis. How did any woman survive birth a thousand years ago?
There were times I wanted to scream at the nurse and mid-wife. They kept telling Michelle she was close. I could plainly see she wasn't. If her vital signs had slipped at all, I was going to demand they put her in the hospital. I so wanted her to give up the natural birth thing. She made up her mind. It was a goal and Michelle doesn't miss a goal very often.
The mid-wife said I was, "The strong silent type." I think they were annoyed with me. It's not that I didn't offer words of encouragement they just weren't continual. The truth is, if I had opened my mouth much I would have lost it. You can't be "the rock" and lose it. Michelle would make eye contact with me and I would literally start thinking about football not to break down. I will never be able to fully talk about what it was like.
Despite it all, the look on Michelle's face holding Atticus was magical. She loved that kid before he was born. She walked through hell to meet him.
Atticus, I didn't blame you for what happened to your mother. I didn't care about you for the first ten minutes of your life. I was just relieved that your mother would no longer have to suffer. After the ten minutes, I loved you more than anything, other than your mother. You were a trooper too. The nurses kept checking your heartbeat after every contraction. They couldn't believe how calm you were. Your heartbeat never wavered and that helped Mom keep going.
Holding Atticus for the first time was crazy. He had more mass than I anticipated. We sat in the rocking chair and he immediately fell asleep. He was calm in my arms. It was a good feeling. The sun was out and shining on our faces through the window. We are going to have good times together.
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Hey Riggsy,
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you were a bit unprepared for what you were going to see Michelle go through. I imagine you watched the birthing videos but I suppose they aren't like the real thing. The first birth I ever saw was my sister in laws. No one prepared me for what I was going to see and I was only there for 3 or 4 hours (the last part of it). I was completely terrified, horrified, everything. I felt completely helpless that I couldn't help this woman while she went through the hardest moments of her life. But that's childbirth. When I gave birth, no one could do anything more for me than tell me that I was almost there and that I was doing a good job and that the baby had to make it's way down the canal. And I needed to hear that, over and over and over again to help me continue. There is a warrior in each of us that emerges that day. This is the woman's journey towards an empowerment that can never be taken away from her.
I said that I didn't think I could have gone a minute more than I did that night. But would I have said the same thing had it been 2 hours? Would I have said the same thing had it been 48 hrs? No one will ever know. I can't imagine the exhaustion Michelle must have felt after the high that left her a couple hours after Atticus was born. But think of how miraculous it is. Look at how alert your child was when he was born. Compare it to having watched Michelle hanging out for 12 hours with a slow pitocin drip. Then watching her being put on an epidural as they begin to raise the pitocin level, 12 more hours go by. Then watching the heart rate of your unborn baby go frantic, doctors and nurses swoop in shouting for an emergency c-section. Troops of people hurrying you to an operating room. Your baby emerging, screaming, then dying and having to have cpr. Being placed in the NICU and the doctor telling you that your baby's lungs were filled with fluid. Watching your little guy fight for his life with tubes coming out of him in every direction and Michelle unable to lift things and move about easily because of the stitches in her abdomen. To me that experience would have been far more frightening and devastating. But that's just me.
-Kirsten
Chris,
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing with us your feelings that day
Jean